For the longest time, I thought that being good at “being social” was something that we are born with. I watched popular people, as they sauntered into busy rooms, catching everyone’s attention with effortless charisma, and I would feel a small pang of jealousy. It doesn’t feel good to admit that I was jealous of these people, because in doing so – I have to come to terms with that fact that I used to think that I was inferior to them. As if they had something God given, that I wasn’t lucky enough to have been endowed with. I can remember one specific occasion, when I went to a party with a friend of mine who was notorious for his charisma and charm. He was 6′ 5″, lean, he dressed well, and he had a buttery voice like a radio star. Neither of us knew anyone on the guest list, and had only been invited on the strength of our friendship with the Host’s partner. On reflection, I think that I was probably a tad nervous about walking into the room, but I don’t think that I labelled the fear at the time. We walked through the front door, and a couple that looked as though they were cover models for a health magazine greeted us. They each shook our hands, and I could immediately tell that there was a warmth about them, that was directed at my friend – a warmth that they didn’t seem to want to direct at me. They were pleasant enough to me, but they seems to take an instant shine to my friend, and he had barely even opened his mouth! I took on the role of “side-kick” for the rest of the evening, and every time I felt that I wasn’t being treated in the same way as my friend – I took it to heart, and gave myself a little punch in the ego, and felt more and more like a failure!
Variations of that night have been played through more times than I care to count, and as the years have passed, I’ve grown to think of myself as being somewhat socially inept. I never really understood what it was that these “beautiful people” had, that made them so special…all I knew was that I didn’t have it!
A further knock to my self esteem came in the form of my wife. Now, I love my wife to bits. She’s an amazing person, and wouldn’t change anything about her for the world….but she is THE biggest extrovert I’ve ever known, and she seems to have a social magnetism that I feel confident is yet to be paralleled!
Over the years, I’ve watched her regularly sweep into a room full of strangers, and within 30 minutes, she seems to know everyone’s name, and has been asked to meet up for coffee with a few people! For years I’ve been completely flummoxed by how she seems to do it! It’s effortless for her, and more to the point – it’s necessary for her….and I think that’s an important distinction to make.
I may of spent all these years searching for the magic elixir for social grace and popularity, but it is in no way vital that I spend my time, getting to know everyone in the room. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself an introvert. I think ‘ambivert’ is closer, but I don’t feel that it’s necessary to interact with everyone within a 5 meter radius. That’s not to say that I don’t like meeting people, or that I’m a loner – I just don’t gain energy by talking to lots of people all the time. I like to meet people, when I want to meet people, and I think that society often conditions people like me (ambiverts) to feel as though they’re lacking in some way.
What I’ve discovered recently, is that I think I was in fact giving off social cues that made me look as though I wasn’t interested in talking to people. It took me a while to get my head around this, but I was actually telling people (non-verbally) that I didn’t like them, or didn’t want to talk to them, for all these years!
What a slap in the face, right?
It doesn’t doesn’t seem like much of a leap to assume that you may have unknowingly committed the exact same “social blunder” yourself at some point.
Have you ever felt as though a person you’re interacting with just doesn’t seem to like you? Without an obvious reason?
Have you ever felt like they seem to be vibing with everyone around you, but seem cold towards you?
Are you by any chance a little bit of an introvert, or an ambivert?
If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, then you can stop feeling bad about yourself right now. There’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re not a social pariah!
All you need to do is adjust your social skills, so that you send out the right signals.
Through trial and error, I’ve come up with a traffic light system, which can be used to determine what you’ve been doing right, what you’ve been doing wrong, and how you can improve.
Read through the different colours, and think about how you come across to people during social interaction.
Traffic Light System
Red – The Signals of Disconnection (Avoid These)
Signals being sent out:
- Closed posture (crossed arms, legs tightly crossed)
- Avoiding eye contact
- Slumped shoulders
- Fidgeting
- Generally tense demeanour
- Short, curt responses
- Interrupting others
- Speaking in a monotone
- Offering negative or critical comments
- General lack of enthusiasm.
These signals broadcast disinterest, discomfort, and even hostility.
These signals broadcast disinterest, discomfort, and even hostility, and people will instinctively avoid engaging with you. They will feel dismissed, unheard, and (ultimately) disrespected – as though their presence is unwelcome. If you’ve been sending out any of these signals – you may have come across as unapproachable, defensive or rude.
Actionable Steps:
- Consciously uncross your arms and legs
- Practice maintaining soft, but consistent eye contact
- Relax your shoulders and adopt an open, welcoming posture
- Become aware of fidgeting, and replace it with calm, controlled movements.
- Practice active listening, allowing others to finish their thoughts.
- Vary your tone of voice to convey enthusiasm and engagement.
- Replace negative comments with positive affirmations or constructive feedback.
- Avoid one word answers.
Yellow: The Signals of Ambivalence (Improve These)
Signals being sent out:
- Inconsistent eye contact
- A weak or hesitant handshake
- A forced smile
- A generally neutral or unengaged posture. These signals create a sense of uncertainty and disinterest.
- Generic small talk
- A lack of genuine curiosity
- A tendency to focus on yourself
- Failure to actively listen. These cues create a sense of superficiality and disinterest.
These signals create a sense of uncertainty and disinterest, and people will perceive you as lukewarm, unenthusiastic, or even insincere. They may engage with you briefly, but they will likely not feel a strong connection. They may also perceive you as self-centered or uninterested in their thoughts and feelings, and may engage in polite conversation, but they will not feel a deep connection.
Actionable Steps:
- Practice maintaining consistent, genuine eye contact.
- Develop a firm, confident handshake.
- Allow your smile to be genuine and reflect your inner warmth.
- Show that you are interested in the conversation.
- Practice asking open-ended questions that encourage deeper conversation.
- Actively listen to the responses, and show genuine interest.
- Focus on the other person, and avoid dominating the conversation.
- Remember peoples names.
Green: The Signals of Connection (Master These)
Signals being sent out:
- Open posture
- Warm and genuine eye contact
- Relaxed shoulders
- A welcoming smile
- Mirroring the other person’s body language in a subtle and respectful way
- Active listening
- Genuine curiosity
- Empathetic responses
- Positive affirmations
- A genuine interest in the other person’s thoughts and feelings
These signals broadcast warmth, confidence, and genuine interest. They create a sense of connection, understanding, and respect, and people perceive you as approachable, likeable, and trustworthy. They will feel comfortable and engaged in your presence, and they will want to connect with you further.
Actionable Steps to mastery:
- Practice maintaining open, welcoming body language in all social interactions.
- Use eye contact to convey warmth and attentiveness.
- Smile genuinely, and allow your smile to reach your eyes.
- Subtly mirror some of the body language of the person you are talking to.
- Practice active listening by summarizing what the other person has said.
- Ask follow-up questions to show genuine interest.
- Offer empathetic responses that acknowledge and validate their feelings.
- Find common ground.
- Give sincere compliments.
As you build on these skills, people will perceive you as a good listener, a caring individual, and a valuable conversationalist. They will feel heard, understood, and appreciated, and they will want to build a deeper relationship with you.
I find this system really useful, because you can identify anything that you may not have been aware of, and then take steps to correct the way that you’re coming across to people.
There is nothing genetic about social skills. They are learned behaviours, that we can build upon and improve. It’s all about being authentic, and being genuinely interested in the people around you.
I hope this helps!
Leave a comment if this resonated with you.