The weight of years, they seem to settle differently as you approach forty. It’s a subtle shift, a tightening around the chest, a quiet hum of responsibility that resonates deeper than it ever did before. Your late thirties are a strange, liminal space. You’re no longer the wide-eyed youth you once were, but the finish line of “adulting” seems to keep moving.
They say that money is the root of all evil. I don’t think I agree with that phrase, but it’s certainly a constant, gnawing presence, and it’s responsible for an alarming percentage of divorces!
The mortgage, all the subscriptions, the ever-rising cost of living – it can feel like a never ending string of financial impositions that keep layering on top of one another.
You see your friends posting about their exotic vacations, their new cars, their renovated kitchens, and can’t help but feel as though you’re never quite able to keep up.
“The Jones’s” always seem to be a step ahead. And you find yourself wondering, not with envy, but with a weary sort of curiosity: How do they do it?
The truth is, most of us are running on a treadmill, trying to keep pace with an illusion. We’re chasing a standard of living that’s often built on debt and fleeting moments of gratification. It’s a pressure cooker, where the steam builds steadily, and your mental state gets tested on its endurance.
Then there are the children – the beautiful rays of sunshine that “give your life meaning”, and the absolute, life affirming joy they bring is undeniable…but so is the strain!
The sleepless nights, the constant demands, the worry, the sheer exhaustion of it all. It changes your marriage. It shifts the dynamic from a partnership of two to a team of survivalists. You find yourself communicating in short, clipped sentences, and what were once jaunty days out, become highly coordinated, and your weekly schedule resembles a military operation!
You want to support your wife. You want to ease her burden, to make her happy, and find yourself working harder, longer hours, in an attempt to provide. But sometimes, it feels like you’re just throwing money at a problem that money can’t solve. You miss the quiet evenings, the spontaneous conversations, the simple act of holding hands without a child clinging to your leg. You feel the distance growing, a silent, creeping chasm that threatens to swallow you both.
And in the quiet moments, when the house is finally still, you reflect. You think about your own dreams, the aspirations you once held close. You wonder if you’ve lost yourself in the pursuit of a life that looks good on paper, but feels hollow in your heart.
It’s a complicated picture, isn’t it? A tangled web of responsibilities, expectations, and desires. But it doesn’t have to be a trap. It can be a catalyst for growth.
After giving this a lot of thought, and doing some research, I’ve come up with a system/framework that can be used to navigate this complex stage of life:
1. The Audit
- Financial Reality Check – Sit down and honestly assess your finances. Create a budget, track your spending, identify areas where you can cut back. It’s not about deprivation, it’s about clarity. Knowledge is power.
- Relationship Inventory – Schedule dedicated time for you and your partner. Talk, really talk. Listen without interrupting. Reconnect with the person you fell in love with. Identify the areas where you’re both falling short, and work together to find solutions.
- Personal Reflection – Take time for yourself. Journal, meditate, go for a walk in nature. Reconnect with your own values, your own passions. What truly matters to you?
2. The Reframe
- Redefine Success – Stop comparing yourself to others. Define success on your own terms. What does a fulfilling life look like to you? It’s likely not about material possessions.
- Embrace Imperfection – Accept that you’re not going to get everything right. There will be setbacks, mistakes, and moments of doubt. That’s part of the journey.
- Focus on Gratitude – Cultivate a sense of gratitude for what you have. Appreciate the small moments, the simple joys. It shifts your perspective from lack to abundance.
3. The Action Plan
- Prioritise – Identify the most important areas of your life and focus your energy there. You can’t do everything at once.
- Delegate – Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Delegate tasks at work, at home, wherever you can.
- Invest in Yourself – Make time for self-care. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep. Invest in your personal and professional development.
- Communicate Consistently – Open and honest communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. Talk to your partner, your children, your friends. Share your thoughts, your feelings, your needs.
- Create Shared Experiences – Make time for shared experiences with your partner and children. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. A walk in the park, a movie night at home, a shared meal – these are the moments that create lasting memories.
- Plan small, but plan! – Plan small breaks and small victories. A weekend away, a date night, a small purchase that you have saved for.
This isn’t a quick fix. It’s a process, a journey of self-discovery and growth. But it’s a journey worth taking.
The late thirties can be a challenging time, but they can also be a time of profound transformation. You have the wisdom, the experience, and the resilience to navigate these complexities, and it’s within your power to utilise these assets and find balance, clarity and to move forward in a direction of your choosing.
Start now!
Take the first step today. Start with the audit. Take an honest look at your life, your finances, your relationships. Don’t be afraid to face the truth. Then, begin to reframe your perspective, to redefine success on your own terms. And finally, create an action plan, a roadmap for moving forward.
You are not alone in this. We are all navigating the complexities of life, trying to find our way. And together, we can emerge stronger, wiser, and more fulfilled.