This week I’ve taken a deep dive into the world of body language, and in particular – the cues that we send and receive when we interact with people.
I’ve read a few books in the past about body language. One in particular stands out about negotiation skills, and how you can manipulate/read people with suggestion and signalling.
I remember a story about a murder investigation, where a man was being interviewed because he lived nearby where the murder had occurred. He wasn’t under suspicion, but had been asked in simply so that the detectives could find out as much about the day in question as possible. After 10 minutes of questioning, one of the investigators noticed that his eyes didn’t align with what he was saying. He said something like “so I walked down to the end of the field, turned right, and then carried on into town”, but when he mentioned turning right – his eyes looked to the left. Most people wouldn’t notice what turned out to be the key that unlocked the case. It turned out that he was in fact the murderer, and would have gone under the radar if it weren’t for the investigator’s skill at reading body language.
I find stories like this infinitely interesting – that there is a hidden world of communication that is only readable if you know what you’re looking for…
Enter Vanessa Van Edwards!
I first heard about Vanessa on Steven Bartlett’s podcast (DOAC), where she opened my eyes to what being an “awkward person” actually means. This was a huge aha moment for me, because I’ve often felt anxious in social interactions. Actually, that’s not strictly true,…I think it’s more of a lack of understanding that I suffer from.
For example – I think of myself as being a bit of an ambivert, and can be really outgoing and extroverted as well as withdrawn and introverted. There are certain situations where I completely shut down. I kind of go into myself, and can’t seem to snap out of it for (sometimes) long periods.
I never understood why this happened to me, and internalised it to a point where I thought that there was something wrong with me….until I read Vanessa’s books!
It turns out that my problem is nothing more than a simple case of miscommunication. One that can be rectified quite easily, with an awareness of what’s actually going on.
In Vanessa’s book ‘Cues’, she talks about feedback loops, that occur when a cue is decoded (read) by us, and then we encode (send out) our own cues, which are read by our conversation partner. So all it takes, is for us to misinterperpret a cue, internalise it, and then we start to send out cues of our own that will then be interpreted by the other person.
You can see how something as insignificant as a frown can be taken to mean social rejection, and then we start acting awkwardly, and making it very difficult for the other person to actually “like” you!
Since I was made aware of this, I’ve been scrutinising every cue that I come across, and it’s blown my mind to see just how silly my “awkward” moments” are!
In a heartbeat I’m now able to identify other people’s cues, and then send out my own “charismatic” cues, and completely change the way that I view an interaction.
This is literally life changing!
I have a group of colleagues who have always put me on edge. For as as long as I can remember – I thought that they didn’t like me, and I’ve never been able to discern why. It’s so difficult to be around them, and I’ve often left work feeling completely drained due to the stinted and awkward interactions we’ve had.
Since reading the book, I’ve been able to completely change the way that I interact with these people, and it turns out that they weren’t actually the problem at all…it was all down to the mismanagement of our cues!
I’ve been making myself come across as awkward and unlikeable for the longest time, and I wasn’t even aware of it!
Another important point that Vanessa mentions in her book, is the significance of signalling warmth and competence. She explains that those are the two characteristics that we all look for when communicating with someone. And the best part is – you can dial up either with a handful of tricks!!!
So, if you’re having a conversation, and you notice that the other person doesn’t seem to be interested in what you’re saying – you can determine whether they think you are lacking in warmth or lacking in competence, and then dial up either accordingly. Then it’s simply a case of spotting the cue to prove that what you’ve done has worked!
I’m so massively impressed with her work! It’s like she’s discovered the cheat sheet to life.
If you ever struggle in social situations, or with communication in general – I recommend that you read ‘Captivate’ & ‘Cues’ by Vanessa Von Edwards.
You’ll never look back!